The Incredible Chase
“Robby,” Tiff said, rooting around among the jungle plants, “what’s this?”
He picked it up, the weight making him using both hands. It was caked with old dirt and stained ochre like his grandfather’s teeth.
“I don’t know, could be a bone or a tusk or something. Animals die out here all the time I guess.”
“Hey look, there’s more over here,” Tiff said, digging her nails into the soil. “This is a pretty one,” she said, holding it up to the sun. “With the right setting and a chunky chain it would make a great necklace for my sister. A real, authentic souvenir that no one else would have, you know?”
Tiff rummaged through the rest of the pile, picking out anything that caught her eye.
“This is great. I can do all my Christmas shopping here,” she giggled.
“See if there’s anything under those leaves over there.”
It was like watching kids in a sand box, with Robby attacking the earth like a backhoe and Tiff sifting and polishing in his wake. This went on for a good twenty minutes.
When Robby stretched and shook the dirt out of his hair, he looked at Tiff’s knee-high stash of goodies. “We’re not taking all of that.”
“Only these,” she promised, placing a final piece on top of what looked to be a few handfuls of small boulders.
“You don’t need all of this. Just take a couple of things and let’s get out of here.”
“Aw, c’mon macho man. You’re big and strong. You can take it.”
“That’s true. I am a beautiful man.” Robby flexed and kissed a bicep as Tiff shoved a backpack into his gut.
“You have to promise me we’re going to get some sleep as soon as we get back to the hotel this time. We’re never going to win this if we can’t stay in the top three,” he said.
Robby zipped the pack and hefted it onto his shoulders, following Tiff back up the path.
“It’s not my fault we didn’t catch that first ferry this morning, you know,” Tiff said. “The Drama Mamas have been lying to us since day one, but you had to go and help them anyway. I don’t get that.”
“Monique was screaming like she broke her ankle.”
“What part of ‘Drama Mama’ don’t you understand?”
The bickering continued all the way through to the clearing and into the hotel courtyard. They saw Monty with the ambassador and hung back out of camera range.
“Markus and Celine: you’re team number seven.”
“Since we’re going to be stuck here for awhile, Robby, can I have my water?”
“Yeah, but I got to find it,” he said, dropping his backpack to the ground and rifling through it. Tiff’s treasures came out two or three at a time over the course of the search.
“Figures, the bottle’s probably down at the bottom of the bag.”
Tiff re-tied the goldenrod bandana in her hair and rested on her haunches. She fingered one of the longer pieces near her shoe. It was smooth and light with a slight curve to it. She held it against her wrist, wondering how it would look as a bracelet.
The ambassador barked something neither Robby nor Tiff understood, unconcerned that the camera was still rolling.
“Stop. Stop,” Monty said, waving his arms to halt the shot. “What’s he doing? Doesn’t he know he’s on camera?” He turned to the man who appeared to be shouting in outrage. “You can’t shout while the camera’s on,” Monty said, trying to mime at the same time. “Expensive.”
The ambassador scowled at Monty, thinking this was no time to be playing games, and continued his tirade.
“Get the translator out here,” Monty said. “We don’t have time for this.”
“Charles says he’s just about to go in for his massage.”
“What bloody massage? Get back on that phone and tell him to get out here immediately or he’ll be walking home.
“The translator sits on his arse all day and thinks he needs a massage? I’m the one who should be getting a massage if there’s a massage to be had, but no, I’m just the host. I’ll bet Phil gets massages any time he wants and little people walking up and down his back too, but that’s The Amazing Race money. We don’t have that. No, sir, we do not. We have The Incredible Chase… we have no money.”
“I am here now, ready to be of service,” Charles said, fastening his watch.
“Just find out what his problem is so we can finish this segment,” Monty said.
“Yeah,” Robby said. “He keeps saying the same word over and over and tries to hold my girlfriend’s hand.”
Tiff attached herself to Robby’s arm. “That guy is cree-py.”
“The word is ‘python,’” Charles said. “Hang on a minute.” He went over to the man, who was by now apoplectic, and talked to him, his eyes widening in comprehension. He nodded a few times and the ambassador ran off, still shouting the ominous ‘python.’
Charles walked over to the backpack, glanced down, and returned to Monty for a hushed conference. Monty screamed, “Somebody get the lawyers on the phone!”
A phone was passed over to Monty who then had a hushed conversation of his own. Charles went back to the couple and tried to explain.
“The man who was here is a holy man, very well respected, and you have offended him. Where did you get these bones,” he asked, tapping the pack with his foot.
“Ugh,” Tiff said. “They’re all bones?”
“Over there,” Robby said, pointing to an outcropping of rocks in the distance. “We dug them out from under the trees.”
Charles shook his head in dismay. “There are rules here. You both have committed a serious breach of protocol.”
“The lawyers say we’re in the clear,” Monty announced. “Robby and Tiff wandered off on their own after their leg of the race was completed, which is in direct opposition to what they signed in the release form, so The Incredible Chase is not liable!”
A cheer went up from the production crew.
“What’s he talking about,” Robby asked. “What’s going on?”
“The python is a sacred animal to the people of Botswana, dating back thousands of years- very protected. Even so, the black market price for python artifacts can be quite high so poaching is a problem. When artifacts are seized by authorities they are given over to the care of the holy men.”
“Who bury them in the holy ground? Oh, crap,” Robby said.
“Exactly.”
“What are we going to do?”
Monty ambled over. “We’ve got a call in to the Embassy, but it could take awhile for them to get back to us. You should go to your room and get some rest until then, but leave the bag here. And you, my darling, should know better than to try and keep this.”
Tiff squealed as Monty pulled a rib bone out of her hair band.
“I believe a more immediate plan is in order,” Charles said.
The holy man had re-emerged, leading a group of villagers carrying sticks, rakes, anything on hand, back to face the accused. The mood was not friendly.
“Oh my God, are they serious? They brought torches. They think we’re Frankenstein’s monster,” Tiff wailed. “They want to burn us at the stake!”
“Monty, you’ve got to drive us out of here. Right now,” Robby said.
“Can’t do it, mate. My contract expressly states that aiding and abetting fugitives from the law under any circumstances results in my immediate dismissal. I can’t have another international incident under my belt like Turkey. It’s bad for ratings and there’s no way I’m going back into daytime drama, I can tell you that.”
“You have a responsibility to keep us safe,” Tiff cried.
“And you have the responsibility of reading your bleeding paperwork before you sign it, now don’t you? I know what’s in my contract; no one needs to go telling me.”
“We’d better get out of here,” Robby said, the villagers now only yards away.
“Where are we supposed to go? There’s nothing out here.”
“Run, Tiff!”
Robby pulled Tiff’s arm and she stumbled after him across open grassland. The villagers erupted in consternation and ran after them, quickly cutting the distance.
Every time Tiff squealed the villagers shrieked in delight, which terrified her even more. She was out of breath and close to blacking out, but Robby wouldn’t let her go. They ran over a hill, through a ditch and behind a row of tin-roofed houses, but couldn’t shake their tail. Robby steered them back toward the rocky outcrop, his thoughts as clear as those of an ostrich with its head in the sand, giving the natives no choice but to up their game of cat and mouse.
What nerve these foreigners have, returning to the scene of their desecration. Have the fine people of Botswana not suffered indignity enough already? A lesson must be learned this day!
Two of the smaller villagers broke off from the pack, sprinted and dove over the protruding lip, aiming straight for the heads of their prey. Bodies landed in a thud at the base, all struggles being masked behind the villagers circling around them. One of the villagers climbed up, gave his battle cry and twirled a lasso of goldenrod on his finger. This was greeted with laughter and slaps on the back.
Robby managed to get back on his feet, and after much shoving and hair-pulling, Tiff was on hers, minus two pairs of running shoes and Robby’s Cubs cap which were now on the head and feet of four other people. Tiff was beyond exhausted and couldn’t do much more than hold on, so Robby hefted her onto his back and scampered away like an injured chicken. The pace was slow, but Robby wouldn’t quit, even as the villagers kept pace with him, taunting him in a language he didn’t understand while flicking him in the ears. He veered toward the hotel this time, hoping to throw himself on the mercy of the concierge.
“Africa Strikes Back! This is a great idea for a reality show, isn’t it,” Monty said. “Get the studio on the line for me, Simon is going to love this pitch. You’re still rolling, aren’t you? Great! Hollywood, here I come.”
“Monnnn-ttttttyyyy!”
“We’re working on it,darlings. We’ll have the Embassy back on line in a tick. Keep running. You’re doing great!”