That’s Entertainment?
Okay, party’s over. Back to work everyone. (Hey, who threw that? I see you!)
While most people were busy getting their Thanksgiving on, I spent some of that time watching BookTV on CSPAN2. Yeah, I know, what a nerd, but cut me some slack. I had an opportunity to check out the competition and I took it. I was being responsible, dang it!
My paranoiac insecurities aside, I have to say that from a marketing standpoint many “professional” authors are shooting themselves in the foot with some pretty heinous performances. I’m not too familiar with the format of BookTV, but all of the performances I saw were those of non-fiction authors so perhaps they don’t know any better. Regardless, they sucked. They sucked big time. There should be a law or at least a strict fine against anyone ever giving these people access to a microphone without proper supervision. Something to keep in mind: just because you have a doctorate, it doesn’t make you interesting.
The number one problem I had with these performances is that they made me feel like I was back in school, which stands to reason as many non-fiction authors are or have been professors at some point. Some of you may be wondering what’s wrong with feeling like you’re in school as school is a good thing, imparting all that knowledge and whatnot. The problem is (now you may want to move closer to the screen so you don’t miss this) I DIDN’T LIKE SCHOOL!!! Whew, where did that come from? Lots of unresolved issues there, I bet, but let’s keep it relevant.
So Chris didn’t like school, boo hoo. Suck it up, pilgrim, that was how many years ago?
Never you mind how many years it was. The point is, why would I, a potential customer for your book, want to waste my time being bored to sleep in an uncomfortable chair by your uninspired words? Think about it, who do you want to buy your book? Not just who do you think will buy your book, who do you want to buy it? If you’re only interested in life-long academics buying your work, then maybe a dry sermon on a lecture circuit will be more than adequate. However if you want to make money and get your message out to the little people (you know, everyone else) you’re going to have to make an effort. And no, a bow tie isn’t enough of an effort.
Why on earth would an author participate in a book reading? To thrill at the sound of his/her own voice? To show off his/her superiority to fellow colleagues? To fulfill court-ordered community service requirements? All of the above options, though pathetic, are possible, but let’s get serious. The real authors are doing it to get their names out there, to get some buzz going about their latest triumph. So then why are so many authors clueless about public speaking? Writers are supposed to know how to research so shame on you people. I keep referring to speaking engagements as performances because that’s what they are. Every time you get up in front of your audience you are entering into an implied contract to entertain. This is not to say that you need to brush up on your juggling or belly dancing, but you are not allowed to be a bore.
One of the abominations to which I was a witness was at a book fair in Miami. A panel of three discussed their history books, all related to the Civil War. As a fiction writer I was thinking, “Excellent. History is perfect for storytelling. Good show.” But no, no my friends, it wasn’t a good show. In fact, that trio of parasites not only leeched the life out of their recounted tales, they tortured them to the point of near annihilation. The gods wept at the unconscionable cruelty and lack of remorse.
Let’s stop here and take a look at the previous paragraph. Notice the formality of much of the wording. In short bursts, this is fine because it mixes things up and keeps them flowing. Now imagine I’d written this entire blog entry in such stiff prose. Would you have bothered to continue reading past the first few paragraphs? Would you have been able to maintain your enthusiasm for it if you did? Suppose someone then decided to read twenty pages of this stuff to you as a captive audience; would you be able to keep up or would it start to deteriorate into white noise? Suck it up indeed! Like any of you didn’t have professors trying to make you bleed out through the ears three times a week when all you really wanted to do was sleep off your hangover… Ah hem. My apologies yet again.
Anyway, this is more or less how the panel discussion went down. A moderator asked an author a question, author responded at length in a monotone voice with occasional robotic hand gestures. This process repeated for about an hour. Are you feeling my pain? If this is the standard of quality for book fair events I don’t know why anyone would go to these things. I wouldn’t.
Bottom line: if you want to give a good performance (and you should), you must ENGAGE your audience. This means using words that will elicit an enthusiastic response, not lecturing people into a coma. How many people do you think would fall asleep if Robin Williams was on a panel? Whether you like him or not, Robin Williams knows how to play to an audience. He puts energy into his voice, uses everyday language and moves quickly from point to point. He’s relatable. His body language is active, not passive. He’s not afraid to move around, ask spontaneous questions or let his audience be an active part of the show. Are you getting the drift here? Engage, people, engage. Even you commitment-phobes: engage!
And while you do that, I’ll be looking into some therapy. I’m not well.